Throughout my life I have always been a people pleaser. My default was to say ‘Yes’ without even considering the result or if this would have a negative impact on me. I just wanted to please others more than I wanted to protect my own mental health. I know I am not alone with this behaviour trait. However, looking back to when I was in the grips of my alcohol addiction, I believe in part that being a people pleaser really did not help me in certain situations. Also, if I had not addressed this, then I know for a fact my sobriety would have been compromised on more than one occasion.

There is a fantastic power in learning to say ‘No’. Just because others want you to do something, does not mean you have to say YES. From my own experience, the people who try to push you into doing something that you don’t really want to do aren’t looking out for your best interests all of the time. Therefore, it’s critical to evaluate this to consider whether you really do want to do something or whether you are defaulting to your automatic ‘yes position’, just trying to please them.

I know from my own experience that trying to change from being a people pleaser to someone who is not afraid to say no is really tough. This could be a behaviour trait you have engrained within you since childhood. However, with it looking likely that we can all start socialising again soon, if you are nervous about how you will be around certain people and think they could be instigators in you relapsing, then please read on. I have put together some of my top tips of how say ‘No’ more often and not always try to please other people, especially if it is to your detriment.

#1 Start Small

Changing a learned behaviour that has become entrenched into who you are takes time. Sometimes you may not even realise you have said yes to something that you don’t want to do until it is too late, because you are so use to it. So, start small. Have a target where you aim to challenge at least once a day if someone wants you to do something that you don’t want to do. Instead of getting nervous about what to say, get excited that this is a time you are challenging your old ways for a better future and learn to not ‘Yes’ at least once every day. With this continued repetition, it does start to get easier.

#2 Assess why it’s important not to be a people pleaser

Looking back before I was sober, my people pleasing usually amassed around alcohol. Whether someone wanted to me go out for a drink or get another round in or I was being invited out to places where I knew that alcohol was going to be the centre of attention. When I started to become sober curious, I realised how much other people’s influences on getting me to do things caused me to drink so much more. It also hindered things at the start as I still couldn’t say no to people I had said yes to for so many years! I will be honest and say I have lost some friends along my sober journey, however, for true change, sometimes this is a sad but necessary consequence. The important thing was that I was getting sober for me, not to please other people.

#3 practice your anti-pleasing phrases

Practice makes perfect and this is especially true for anyone who wants to stop being such people pleasers at the expense of their sobriety. A key tip is to get some phrases in your mind for what to say when someone asks you to do something which stops an automatic ‘yes’ and regret later on. One of my personal favourites is “Let me check and I will get back to you”. This simple phrase puts the ball firmly in your court whilst also not having to deal with the potentially awkward situation of saying ‘no’ to someone there and then.

So, if (and when) we are out of lockdown, you get the inevitable call from a friend or family member saying, “We are all going out next *insert date*. Are you coming?” Just respond right away with, “let me check and I will get back to you”. This gives you some much needed breathing space to plan on whether you really do want to go out and whether you feel you can. If you don’t want to or you do, but you are worried it could jeopardize your sober journey, then you can always respond later on saying you can’t for whatever reason. This is a lot better than saying yes at the start, then changing your mind later on or worse, going because you don’t feel you can let anyone down.

#4 Be honest

If you have particular friends or family who you know will just not take no for an answer or will keep badgering you to go to some form of social event that you don’t want to go to, then be honest with them. Tell them that you are removing alcohol from your life and as it stands, you don’t want to be in situations where drink is present at the moment. It won’t be forever but at the moment, you are not going to go. Any reasonable person will understand and will stop trying to invite you to such events in the future until you feel you are steady on your sober journey.

#5 Don’t apologise

The moment you apologise for saying no to someone, is the moment they are most likely to keep trying to push you into something you don’t want to do. You have nothing to apologise for. You are working on you for a happier, healthier and positive future. Only you know if certain types of situations could cause you to drink and if you are saying no to those, then this is something you should be congratulating yourself for, not feeling bad or sorry for. Again, as a people pleaser myself, I know how hard this can be, but learn to appreciate internal validation not external.

The power of saying no really can be the difference from remaining sober to relapsing and this is why I felt it was so important to put a blog together on this subject. It’s something I am not perfect on and I have slip ups at times where I end up doing or going somewhere I don’t want to just to please someone else. However, this is a continual learning and self-development journey we are all on. I guarantee you that if you start to learn to be an anti-people pleaser then you will start to feel so much better about yourself and where you are going. It doesn’t mean you will lose friends or family as the ones that matter will respect your answer and will help you.